Youre here and youre perfect. you are more than i imagined i would ever be worthy to have. you make me and the life i live complete. you are the reason i breath, the reason i open my eyes. i have never felt love likes yours with just a glance of your beautiful eyes i was yours..

i have so many asperations for you… but this world can be an ugly place, full of scary things that i pray you will never have to face and i promise i will do my part to lead you on the right path like tell you how beautiful and perfect you are everyday. kiss you relentlessly and make sure you know just how special you are..how i waited my whole life for you

he’s here and hes perfect.

its only been a month but it honestly feels like a lifetime. He fits so perfectly in my arms, like i was born to be his mother…

God

give me the strength i need to endure this feeling i cant shake. 

Show me the glory of you and of this miracle.

Give me new

 eyes to see the things i cant yet witness

 lungs to breath deep and slow

mind to think clear and calm

Let me take these last moments to enjoy them and understand them for what they are..a fleeting moment.. moments that make up a lifetime.

its been a while since ive updated this..no real reason other then laziness which i think is a pretty usable excuse. Ive just been so exhausted lately, i cant really sleep at night cuz im hips are always hurting! they just burn constantly. also, just turning from side to side is a chore these days but the wee bean is doing very good so i cant really complain.

ive started my non stress tests twice a week and i LOVE it, i just sit in a comfy lazy boy for 20-40 min listening to his lil heartbeat…i cant think of a better way to spend my afternoons. Hes running out of room quick, it seems like every morning my belly is bigger! Its so easy to tell when hes awake now its so cute even when he’s kicking my ribs, ovary and bladder at the same time..i imagine he’s in there giggling to himself cuz he knows EXACTLY what hes doing!..he plays it off sooo well but i know, oh i know.. The other day i notices little movements so i stopped everything i was doing and started really paying attention to him to see if he had the hiccups *i just started noticing when he has them and i love it* and right when i put my hand on my belly he did a HUGE ROLL and scared the hell out of me! like it made me jump! again…he knows…

im officially 8 months today and as far as the horror stories ive heard my whole life i must say i think im doing pretty good. My moods are def getting more sparatic but Sols still doing a great job dealing with them/me. We’ve started going to the gym 3 times a week, we are trying to get in the habit of going before Sol goes to work so when the bean does get here Sol can go in the morning and i can go at night..that way the boys can have alone time. The gym hasnt really been helping my weight so much *i was hoping to lose the baby weight while i still have time* but its def been helping my mood! plus its just good to do…

not sure if i mentioned the name but we decided on Ezekiel Jakob Adams or Zeke for short! *its nice to have a nick name so when you use his full name he knows you mean business!* He will be here in less then 2 months! Def on or before Dec 16th due to my diabetes they dont let diabetic moms go over their 40 weeks so its nice to know i wont be late and it just turns into a waiting game.

k nap time..

i just added a shit ton of stuff ive been working on. 

you can order everthing *or take a better look!* right here: Bullets and Bees Boutique

Ive come to the realization the other day what im getting into, i get glimpses of actually realize whats about to happen to my life and although i dont think ive quite got a hold of it the human being jumping around in my belly is slowly leading me there…

Sols so amazing and  its so nice to have someone worry about me, like worry about everything i do outside the house..ive never had that *well excepect my parents which i never really grasps their fear until now* In a blink of an eye i have a family, a family to love but mostly to worry about. Ive never felt this fear before..*well again, other then my parents who from a young age ive  thought about the day they will die and how i could possibly cope, i remember being very young maybe 7 or 8 crying to my mom about how i worry about her and since then its stuck* But the other day i thinking about how incredible my life suddenly is and how amazing and scary what i have is. Its a heavy feeling thinking about what i have on my shoulders, a Family. Its def changed my thinking in everyday situations, they way i look at moms at the store and im even trying to change my driving habits cuz im such the asshole driver. Ive got a life..same as the life my mom gave me in my uterus and its my job to do the best i can to make his new life as good and loved as mine..meaning putting my pride down *which ive NEVER done in my life*, Being the bigger person and walking away from certain situations, and just being patient and looking at the other persons point of view. I gave him this life and its my job to make sure he is safe, healthy and happy.

On Tuesday we got an ultra sound  and fetal echo to look at his heart and everything checked out, hes looking good and strong. Here’s a pic from the ultrasound if you havnt seen it yet:

He’s perfect with chubby lil cheeks

so i havnt been updating pretty much because there’s nothing really exciting going on. My life is still pretty much at a stand still, i feel like this 5th month will NEVER end! Its like a roller coaster, it took 20 weeks to reach the top and now its all down hill..this tremendous countdown i cant even fathum yet. The little guy is in there moving and kicking around, i started to feel the actual movements about a week or so ago and i LOVE it! its so much better then that quickening feeling..i feel bad when i say i hate it cuz most mothers love it but the bigger he gets the stronger the butterflies get and it more just feels like free falling. like when i went out to the club for the first time in months, he just “danced” around in my belly for hours and i hated every moment of it! Last night i went to my friend Audrees birthday party and when everyone started yelling he all of a sudden started swimming around, i just imagine him like WTF?!..its cute to think of all the scenarious thats going on in that lil space of his.

Ive been going out more and more lately too, its nice to see my friends and actually have a sliver of a social life. Im still pretty reserved and it takes alot to get me out that door but when im there i dont want to leave. Sol’s been super cute lately too, kissing my belly and what not..i honestly couldnt imagine doing this with anyone else. Every day i fall more in love with him, im only happy when we are together these days.

im gonna include a story i wrote in my facebook cuz its pretty much the cutest thing ive every heard come out of my niece and nephew:
 

SO explaining a baby in the belly to a 2 and 4 year olds is pretty much the funniest thing ever!!
the other night i watched my niece Bryn *two* and my nephew Wyatt *four* when they started being kinda rough so i started telling them about the baby in my belly..well i guess they saw this as story time cuz we all sat on the couch and crowded around my belly as i proceeded to explain how there is an actually grown baby in there and we cant be so rough around it. Well after about 30 sec of Wyatt looking at my belly confused he looks up at me and says “you ate him?!”

Me “what? no! hes just inside there being made, thats how you were made”

Bryn after hearing i ate a baby lifts up my shirt to see him not hearing a word i said i guess and begins to put her finger in my belly button after a second of that she pulls it out really fast

and at this point i cant stop laughing to the point where i have to get up and end this lil charade theyve created in my belly. Honestly, its the cutest thing ive ever heard come out of these two

Also i swallowed my pride and took pictures of me the other day, all 30 extra pounds of me..enjoy:

Just got back from the doctors and i honestly cant stop smiling. Ive never been so proud

There he is, the love of my life:

and YES, its a boy!
i KNEW it! call it Mothers intuition or something but i never doubted it..and its not like i would have been any less excited for a girl its mostly that i just like talking shit. But boys seem just so more easy..Sols brother made a good point” if its a boy its one penis for the rest of your life but if its a girl its MANY penis’s to worry about” and i can just Sol running around his shop with a wee lil boy bean. 

the link to my boutique *to buy and browse* is the top like on the left corner of the page

Everytime i really think about being a mom it always seems to be over shadowed by the state of this Earth.. how the fact that becoming pregnant is just me being selfish, how  wanting the ideal family is just  me contributing to an already over  population, how the state of our world is NOT getting better  and our dwindling resources are making for a growing problem that our generation isnt solving but making worse at an alarming rate..Im sorry but couples that have 18+ kids is disgusting and yes, BEING SELFISH..what if we ALL had that many kids?!?!  i mean id love to have a big family but im not going to because our planet bursting at the fucking seams!! People in China eating cardboard cuz there isnt enough food to feed them all…and here i am with another one in the oven. As i layed in bed this morning i was making a list in my head of what i can do better for my child. Suddenly after 23 years of not caring i want to change the world…

and if that doesnt keep me up at night!

I sit there and daydream of all the things ill do for them but after 5 min of me being the “perfect mom” with all the answer that all the other moms dont seem to have like  keeping them in check at the store, little angels in the cart  I suddenly get a quick reality check of i COULD be the worst mom in the world. what makes me think im going to be good at this? The only thing im really counting on is the fact i had great parents..perfect in my eyes..but does that mean i am going to be? but i guess with that reasoning every child with shitty parents will be shitty themselves and i firmly believe in change in human nature.

 i know all moms-to-be worry about that and all i can do is my best..