Youre here and youre perfect. you are more than i imagined i would ever be worthy to have. you make me and the life i live complete. you are the reason i breath, the reason i open my eyes. i have never felt love likes yours with just a glance of your beautiful eyes i was yours..

i have so many asperations for you… but this world can be an ugly place, full of scary things that i pray you will never have to face and i promise i will do my part to lead you on the right path like tell you how beautiful and perfect you are everyday. kiss you relentlessly and make sure you know just how special you are..how i waited my whole life for you

so i havnt been updating pretty much because there’s nothing really exciting going on. My life is still pretty much at a stand still, i feel like this 5th month will NEVER end! Its like a roller coaster, it took 20 weeks to reach the top and now its all down hill..this tremendous countdown i cant even fathum yet. The little guy is in there moving and kicking around, i started to feel the actual movements about a week or so ago and i LOVE it! its so much better then that quickening feeling..i feel bad when i say i hate it cuz most mothers love it but the bigger he gets the stronger the butterflies get and it more just feels like free falling. like when i went out to the club for the first time in months, he just “danced” around in my belly for hours and i hated every moment of it! Last night i went to my friend Audrees birthday party and when everyone started yelling he all of a sudden started swimming around, i just imagine him like WTF?!..its cute to think of all the scenarious thats going on in that lil space of his.

Ive been going out more and more lately too, its nice to see my friends and actually have a sliver of a social life. Im still pretty reserved and it takes alot to get me out that door but when im there i dont want to leave. Sol’s been super cute lately too, kissing my belly and what not..i honestly couldnt imagine doing this with anyone else. Every day i fall more in love with him, im only happy when we are together these days.

im gonna include a story i wrote in my facebook cuz its pretty much the cutest thing ive every heard come out of my niece and nephew:
 

SO explaining a baby in the belly to a 2 and 4 year olds is pretty much the funniest thing ever!!
the other night i watched my niece Bryn *two* and my nephew Wyatt *four* when they started being kinda rough so i started telling them about the baby in my belly..well i guess they saw this as story time cuz we all sat on the couch and crowded around my belly as i proceeded to explain how there is an actually grown baby in there and we cant be so rough around it. Well after about 30 sec of Wyatt looking at my belly confused he looks up at me and says “you ate him?!”

Me “what? no! hes just inside there being made, thats how you were made”

Bryn after hearing i ate a baby lifts up my shirt to see him not hearing a word i said i guess and begins to put her finger in my belly button after a second of that she pulls it out really fast

and at this point i cant stop laughing to the point where i have to get up and end this lil charade theyve created in my belly. Honestly, its the cutest thing ive ever heard come out of these two

Also i swallowed my pride and took pictures of me the other day, all 30 extra pounds of me..enjoy:

FRIDAY:

wasnt a good start to the weekend of course cuz of that car accident and im still kicking myself for not going to the hospital right then cuz all of friday night i was soo worried. i layed in bed just zoning in on every pain i had in my stomach *which is normal for 15 weeks* i ony got 3 hours of sleep that night which layed the tone for Saturday morning.

SATURDAY:

i started Cramping during the night *again, normal* so around 8:30 i left my house trying to find the closes urgent care Doctor *i didnt think it was necessary to go to the ER cuz it was more for my peace of mind* i drove around for an hour trying to find that damn place! and from there kinda lost it from frustration and lack of sleep..i  just started crying and letting my mind go off on all these crazy scenarios  about my baby..by the time i got home i was already convinced i lost the baby..my mind racing of what i was going to tell my family..my dad mostly, who last miscarriage laid in my bed holding my hand as i cried for hours. Sol had to convince me to get out of my car *i was in the drive way crying for a while*but when i got out of the car i didnt want to get back in, i didnt want to go to the doctors just to find out what id been fearing so we just sat on the couch watching Tv. We’d made plans with Sols mom to get coffee that afternoon but by the time id tried on everything in my closet i couldnt see myself leaving the house in anything, i honesty looked horrible and fat and AGAIN lost it..crying in my bathroom..ive gained about 30+ pounds already in my pregnancy *just typing that makes me cring alittle* but i couldnt look at myself in the mirror without getting weak in the knees and crying a river so i told Sol leave without..which i think was good for both of us cuz i got to catch up on alittle sleep and he got some alone time with his mom. He returned acouple hours later with Flowers, which automatically put me in a better mood. after an hour of sitting in bed with him i decided i NEEDED to go to the doctors just to KNOW for my sanity, after getting there *and letting him drive* the nurse informed us that they didnt have the right equipment for the job and sent us to the ER…at 6pm on a saturday night..we were there for 4.5 hours but worth every minute just to know the “bean” was alright..after our first ultrasound to make sure there was a heartbeat i felt blood and sanity enter my head again, i felt SOO much better seeing it moving around but we still werent out of the wood, the placenta sack could have detached and blood could have been behind it so we had to wait an hour for the room to become open..which was fine cuz me and Sol just giggled and messed around the whole time.. by the time the second ultrasound came we are so delirious from that little room, everything was funny. i asked if Sol could come watch *he missed the first ultrasound acouple months ago where i first saw the baby bouncing around* so we both sat there as the lady examined my ovaries and the baby…it was the CUTIEST thing EVER..the baby litterally was laying on its back just kicking my insides..like soo nonchalant and natural, like it does it all the time..after that i was on top of the world, i could breath again! and i was happy Sol finally saw the “bean” moving around. It seemed Happy…like im actually doing something right..and suddenly i was embarrassed for the way i acted before, my weight means my baby is getting what it needs and i hate the person ive become..and seeing that baby i realized i COULDNT lose it, it was a person with a heart and limbs and a personality and i have to do everything in my power to make sure this baby comes out in 5 months healthy..even if it means gaining 100+ pounds!

SUNDAY:

me and Sol took it slow in the morning, going to Cafe Niche for brunch and just bumming around before the Arts festival. Around 4 we picked up Shantuay and headed downtown for the festivities, it was sooo hot and crowded and i got more the a hand full of stares but it was so nice to be outside in the sun..i enjoyed every minute! i ate tons of junk food and got a sweet tan. after that me and Sol had planned on going to the Mewithoutyou Show earlier that day but when it came time to go we were so drained by the sun we decided to go see a movie instead..FINALLY “Away we go” came out, we’ve been waiting for about a month to see it..its such a good movie, it was perfect for what we were going through. after the movie we stopped at del taco and went home to watch a few more movies *movies are our new beer*

i had such a good weekend, it was just what i needed to get out of my silly rut

I was DYING when i saw that, its TOTALLY ME!
yesterday me and Sol were watching a show about a women who had sextoplets *not Jon and Kate..which i LOOVE btw* but they showed a pic of her with her huge belly and she had no stretch marks! i was totally yelling at the tv, honestly how is that possible?!?! Sol then explained to me that his brother Josh told him the other day *im sure one of the days i was crying on the phone to him about my sudden weight gain* that all women go through pregnancy differently, some get stretch marks and some dont and some gain no weight and others turn into “baby making machines” *as we like to call it* and of course i know thats true, we are not all the same but for some reason when he told me that i felt better..like a weight had been lifted..i think it was the fact that two grown men were talking about it and actually understand. Its not like i sit down every day with a big bag of Lays and go to town till im licking the bottom of the bag..ive always yo-yoed with my weight, losing and gaining was never a real problem for me but now that i cant skip a meal its finally catching up to me *ok, hopefully this will be the last post about my weight..or a while....but probably not*

my second trimester!!

its such a relief, i guess its was my short term goal. The weight gain lack of friends and social activity is suddenly  all well worth it, nothing really matters right now except my little family in the making. Now im afraid to do anything like drive in the rain or even go dancing, my mind is going wild with crazy scenarios… i guess thats normal but i wish i could just go on with life like normal…but i doubt that will ever happen again.

its 7 am and ive been up since 4..the dogs pooped, the roommates are loud downstairs and im starving BUT  surprisingly chipper!

its soo up and down these days but i can tell im getting better, ive been crying alot less and laughing alot more. The shitty weather is def not helping though i think i need those UV’s to help my attitude but for what im working with i think im doing pretty ok. Me and Sol have been staying in alot lately…im so content with the life i have with him, hes so good to me..so gentle and caring ive honestly never met anyone like him. Im so blessed to have him in my life <33

 I have officially felt the baby kicking!! 

Yesterday i swore i felt something while we were at movies but today for sure i did and Sol even felt it which reasured me. Right now i couldnt be happier….

its kinda sad how in the past 11 weeks ive lost most of my close friends, to the point the only people who i talk to..or go out of their way to text me to see if im ok and alive are friends with children. i guess they just know how hard this is, and how im trying to cope with it, what im body is going through and how im feeling. its like im a completely different person with different responsibilities now.. bars and boys arent my main concern right now but instead of sticking by me they run at the first sight of indifference..True friends stick by you threw thick and thin especially when you need them the most,but i guess for my friends thats too much to ask for…

I think im actually have more fun sober then ive had drunk in a long time. heres some pics from Last nights festivities..meaning i took my prego ass out dancing..

the kid to the far right is my hot hair dresser that i avoid like the plague cuz ive been dyeing my own hair lately and teasing the shit out of it which he looks down on

This is my friend Shauntay who is currently keeping me sane

this is Sarah cooling off Shauntays SCHWEET Bewbies

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This is Sols BFF Mark and his beautiful wife Heather

Now i have Gils soul..MWAHAHAHAH

Ari and Laura..being awkward

Sarvas and his sweet sweeeeet beard

i think thats Sarvas demenstrating me and jen “scissoring”

i have alot more if you check out my photobucket.

yes, like is good again <3