he’s here and hes perfect.

its only been a month but it honestly feels like a lifetime. He fits so perfectly in my arms, like i was born to be his mother…

God

give me the strength i need to endure this feeling i cant shake. 

Show me the glory of you and of this miracle.

Give me new

 eyes to see the things i cant yet witness

 lungs to breath deep and slow

mind to think clear and calm

Let me take these last moments to enjoy them and understand them for what they are..a fleeting moment.. moments that make up a lifetime.

its been a while since ive updated this..no real reason other then laziness which i think is a pretty usable excuse. Ive just been so exhausted lately, i cant really sleep at night cuz im hips are always hurting! they just burn constantly. also, just turning from side to side is a chore these days but the wee bean is doing very good so i cant really complain.

ive started my non stress tests twice a week and i LOVE it, i just sit in a comfy lazy boy for 20-40 min listening to his lil heartbeat…i cant think of a better way to spend my afternoons. Hes running out of room quick, it seems like every morning my belly is bigger! Its so easy to tell when hes awake now its so cute even when he’s kicking my ribs, ovary and bladder at the same time..i imagine he’s in there giggling to himself cuz he knows EXACTLY what hes doing!..he plays it off sooo well but i know, oh i know.. The other day i notices little movements so i stopped everything i was doing and started really paying attention to him to see if he had the hiccups *i just started noticing when he has them and i love it* and right when i put my hand on my belly he did a HUGE ROLL and scared the hell out of me! like it made me jump! again…he knows…

im officially 8 months today and as far as the horror stories ive heard my whole life i must say i think im doing pretty good. My moods are def getting more sparatic but Sols still doing a great job dealing with them/me. We’ve started going to the gym 3 times a week, we are trying to get in the habit of going before Sol goes to work so when the bean does get here Sol can go in the morning and i can go at night..that way the boys can have alone time. The gym hasnt really been helping my weight so much *i was hoping to lose the baby weight while i still have time* but its def been helping my mood! plus its just good to do…

not sure if i mentioned the name but we decided on Ezekiel Jakob Adams or Zeke for short! *its nice to have a nick name so when you use his full name he knows you mean business!* He will be here in less then 2 months! Def on or before Dec 16th due to my diabetes they dont let diabetic moms go over their 40 weeks so its nice to know i wont be late and it just turns into a waiting game.

k nap time..

Ive come to the realization the other day what im getting into, i get glimpses of actually realize whats about to happen to my life and although i dont think ive quite got a hold of it the human being jumping around in my belly is slowly leading me there…

Sols so amazing and  its so nice to have someone worry about me, like worry about everything i do outside the house..ive never had that *well excepect my parents which i never really grasps their fear until now* In a blink of an eye i have a family, a family to love but mostly to worry about. Ive never felt this fear before..*well again, other then my parents who from a young age ive  thought about the day they will die and how i could possibly cope, i remember being very young maybe 7 or 8 crying to my mom about how i worry about her and since then its stuck* But the other day i thinking about how incredible my life suddenly is and how amazing and scary what i have is. Its a heavy feeling thinking about what i have on my shoulders, a Family. Its def changed my thinking in everyday situations, they way i look at moms at the store and im even trying to change my driving habits cuz im such the asshole driver. Ive got a life..same as the life my mom gave me in my uterus and its my job to do the best i can to make his new life as good and loved as mine..meaning putting my pride down *which ive NEVER done in my life*, Being the bigger person and walking away from certain situations, and just being patient and looking at the other persons point of view. I gave him this life and its my job to make sure he is safe, healthy and happy.

On Tuesday we got an ultra sound  and fetal echo to look at his heart and everything checked out, hes looking good and strong. Here’s a pic from the ultrasound if you havnt seen it yet:

He’s perfect with chubby lil cheeks

Just got back from the doctors and i honestly cant stop smiling. Ive never been so proud

There he is, the love of my life:

and YES, its a boy!
i KNEW it! call it Mothers intuition or something but i never doubted it..and its not like i would have been any less excited for a girl its mostly that i just like talking shit. But boys seem just so more easy..Sols brother made a good point” if its a boy its one penis for the rest of your life but if its a girl its MANY penis’s to worry about” and i can just Sol running around his shop with a wee lil boy bean. 

Everytime i really think about being a mom it always seems to be over shadowed by the state of this Earth.. how the fact that becoming pregnant is just me being selfish, how  wanting the ideal family is just  me contributing to an already over  population, how the state of our world is NOT getting better  and our dwindling resources are making for a growing problem that our generation isnt solving but making worse at an alarming rate..Im sorry but couples that have 18+ kids is disgusting and yes, BEING SELFISH..what if we ALL had that many kids?!?!  i mean id love to have a big family but im not going to because our planet bursting at the fucking seams!! People in China eating cardboard cuz there isnt enough food to feed them all…and here i am with another one in the oven. As i layed in bed this morning i was making a list in my head of what i can do better for my child. Suddenly after 23 years of not caring i want to change the world…

and if that doesnt keep me up at night!

I sit there and daydream of all the things ill do for them but after 5 min of me being the “perfect mom” with all the answer that all the other moms dont seem to have like  keeping them in check at the store, little angels in the cart  I suddenly get a quick reality check of i COULD be the worst mom in the world. what makes me think im going to be good at this? The only thing im really counting on is the fact i had great parents..perfect in my eyes..but does that mean i am going to be? but i guess with that reasoning every child with shitty parents will be shitty themselves and i firmly believe in change in human nature.

 i know all moms-to-be worry about that and all i can do is my best..

-There still is decent people out there, this world isnt as bad as i thought it was. sometimes all it takes is the kindness of strangers to put everything back into prospective. One person can make me forget the 12 horrible persons that came before them… and it took someone rear ending me to realize this

Im still breathing, loving, living i really have nothing to complain about..i have a more then loving boyfriend who will go to the ends of the earth to make me happy, who puts food in my mouth and a roof over my head. Parents who i cant even begin to explain how great they are, who from day one went above and beyond to make sure i was healthy  safe and never left wanting . Sisters who stand by my side during the worst  hours of my life, who are SUCH inspirations for every part of it.  and Friends who i can ALWAYS count on some for the  fun rebellious side and others for the stable religious side of my life, but all i can call and spill my heart out to with their open arms ears and and  shoulder. im so greatful for you all, you make up every part of my life and make me who i am today and if i die tomorrow just know i truly love you all..

This morning me and Sol went to another doctors appointment, its always soo exciting to hear its heart beat..it makes me so happy and reassured for yet another month. Last time i went and they did the ultra sound they said it was a week smaller then we thought, so i took that as the due date was pushed back but when we went in today i asked and they said it usually has to be over 10 days for them to change the date so its STILL DEC 16!! 

God, im so excited! so im 15 weeks which means next week ill be 5 months already!! *yah, i dont get it either i guess the months and weeks dont add up…??* AND next appointment we find out what sex it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant wait, although my motherly intuition tells me its a boy..which means i will dress him in this:

 all the time with little fake glasses and make him listen to this:

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

*i more put this up cuz The Acorn is my new obsession and i was stoked when i found their music*

and no, im not kidding my kid is going to be Dapper Dan every day!

Im just wondering..

of people i ACTUALLY know in real life *friend of foe* who read my blog on a pretty regular basis please comment below

PLEASE

im just wondering for my own amusement

*i just wrote this on my bme page, but i realize alot of you dont have that and i think you appreciate this..please feel free to comment below, theres no need to go back to myspace and comment there*

2009/06/17 15:53 i am fucking fuming right now! and have been for the past hour, i am in awe of people..what the fuck happened to common curtesy?!?! i understand we have to share this planet with other humans we dont agree or even like but thats just it WE ARE ALL HUMANS! living breathing loving feeling people…

Sol gave me his credit card today so i can sew, something ive found that as of lately is the only thing that truely makes me happy..something that i can just fall into and be in my own happy little world for a few hours and come out of and actually be proud of what i did BUT the downside of sewing is going to theFABRIC STORE which in utah is a haven for the mormon soccer moms which is the worst of the worst where they so ignorantly and happily hide behind each others rudeness and arrogance…ive been there 3 times this week and never once got a greeting..or even a smile..nothing more then a stare or grimace by every women and worker therre..where this little store with the 2 feet wide isle is where i have to *god forbid!* breath the same air as these holier then thou women *and calling them women is a complement mind you* and there i was minding my own business every once and while looking up and smiling at a passer by..cuz i am kind!..and i honestly dont want to be that person that they’ve already labeled me *me, a girl in a yellow dress hair pulled to the side and flip flops..i honestly dont understand whats so scary..!?!?* but about 20 min into my visit to hell this COW comes trotting down the same isle i am, cart in front of her with what i can only assume is full of fabric for yet another child she has at home that she squirted out 5 years ago but proudly holds on to that 60 pounds she gained..well this cunt rag weasels her way where i was obviously looking and corners me in a corner…where i was forced to look over her cart, im obviously pregnant and was literally HOVERING over it! this lady doesnt even look up! doesnt care how rude she is being! at that point i left..but not before i was face to face with a worker coming towards me down a different isle i was using for my escape, i step to the side and stop so she can go by..of course this women doesnt give me an excuse me, sorry, or a simple THANK YOU!

Im honestly not a bitter person,i pride myself im being friendly to anyone and will stand and talk to anyone who is brave enough to actually ask me a question about my ears and not just drop jaw stare at me. what happened to manners?!?! i dont remember the last time i got an “excuse me” in any store…and im pretty sure everyone on this website can relate! i mean honestly, what happened to them?! i ask myself that ATLEAST once a day, its so sad..and this is the root of why im scared to bring a child in this world..HATE