wasnt a good start to the weekend of course cuz of that car accident and im still kicking myself for not going to the hospital right then cuz all of friday night i was soo worried. i layed in bed just zoning in on every pain i had in my stomach *which is normal for 15 weeks* i ony got 3 hours of sleep that night which layed the tone for Saturday morning.
SATURDAY:
i started Cramping during the night *again, normal* so around 8:30 i left my house trying to find the closes urgent care Doctor *i didnt think it was necessary to go to the ER cuz it was more for my peace of mind* i drove around for an hour trying to find that damn place! and from there kinda lost it from frustration and lack of sleep..i just started crying and letting my mind go off on all these crazy scenarios about my baby..by the time i got home i was already convinced i lost the baby..my mind racing of what i was going to tell my family..my dad mostly, who last miscarriage laid in my bed holding my hand as i cried for hours. Sol had to convince me to get out of my car *i was in the drive way crying for a while*but when i got out of the car i didnt want to get back in, i didnt want to go to the doctors just to find out what id been fearing so we just sat on the couch watching Tv. We’d made plans with Sols mom to get coffee that afternoon but by the time id tried on everything in my closet i couldnt see myself leaving the house in anything, i honesty looked horrible and fat and AGAIN lost it..crying in my bathroom..ive gained about 30+ pounds already in my pregnancy *just typing that makes me cring alittle* but i couldnt look at myself in the mirror without getting weak in the knees and crying a river so i told Sol leave without..which i think was good for both of us cuz i got to catch up on alittle sleep and he got some alone time with his mom. He returned acouple hours later with Flowers, which automatically put me in a better mood. after an hour of sitting in bed with him i decided i NEEDED to go to the doctors just to KNOW for my sanity, after getting there *and letting him drive* the nurse informed us that they didnt have the right equipment for the job and sent us to the ER…at 6pm on a saturday night..we were there for 4.5 hours but worth every minute just to know the “bean” was alright..after our first ultrasound to make sure there was a heartbeat i felt blood and sanity enter my head again, i felt SOO much better seeing it moving around but we still werent out of the wood, the placenta sack could have detached and blood could have been behind it so we had to wait an hour for the room to become open..which was fine cuz me and Sol just giggled and messed around the whole time.. by the time the second ultrasound came we are so delirious from that little room, everything was funny. i asked if Sol could come watch *he missed the first ultrasound acouple months ago where i first saw the baby bouncing around* so we both sat there as the lady examined my ovaries and the baby…it was the CUTIEST thing EVER..the baby litterally was laying on its back just kicking my insides..like soo nonchalant and natural, like it does it all the time..after that i was on top of the world, i could breath again! and i was happy Sol finally saw the “bean” moving around. It seemed Happy…like im actually doing something right..and suddenly i was embarrassed for the way i acted before, my weight means my baby is getting what it needs and i hate the person ive become..and seeing that baby i realized i COULDNT lose it, it was a person with a heart and limbs and a personality and i have to do everything in my power to make sure this baby comes out in 5 months healthy..even if it means gaining 100+ pounds!
SUNDAY:
me and Sol took it slow in the morning, going to Cafe Niche for brunch and just bumming around before the Arts festival. Around 4 we picked up Shantuay and headed downtown for the festivities, it was sooo hot and crowded and i got more the a hand full of stares but it was so nice to be outside in the sun..i enjoyed every minute! i ate tons of junk food and got a sweet tan. after that me and Sol had planned on going to the Mewithoutyou Show earlier that day but when it came time to go we were so drained by the sun we decided to go see a movie instead..FINALLY “Away we go” came out, we’ve been waiting for about a month to see it..its such a good movie, it was perfect for what we were going through. after the movie we stopped at del taco and went home to watch a few more movies *movies are our new beer*
i had such a good weekend, it was just what i needed to get out of my silly rut
-There still is decent people out there, this world isnt as bad as i thought it was. sometimes all it takes is the kindness of strangers to put everything back into prospective. One person can make me forget the 12 horrible persons that came before them… and it took someone rear ending me to realize this
Im still breathing, loving, living i really have nothing to complain about..i have a more then loving boyfriend who will go to the ends of the earth to make me happy, who puts food in my mouth and a roof over my head. Parents who i cant even begin to explain how great they are, who from day one went above and beyond to make sure i was healthy safe and never left wanting . Sisters who stand by my side during the worst hours of my life, who are SUCH inspirations for every part of it. and Friends who i can ALWAYS count on some for the fun rebellious side and others for the stable religious side of my life, but all i can call and spill my heart out to with their open arms ears and and shoulder. im so greatful for you all, you make up every part of my life and make me who i am today and if i die tomorrow just know i truly love you all..
This morning me and Sol went to another doctors appointment, its always soo exciting to hear its heart beat..it makes me so happy and reassured for yet another month. Last time i went and they did the ultra sound they said it was a week smaller then we thought, so i took that as the due date was pushed back but when we went in today i asked and they said it usually has to be over 10 days for them to change the date so its STILL DEC 16!!
God, im so excited! so im 15 weeks which means next week ill be 5 months already!! *yah, i dont get it either i guess the months and weeks dont add up…??* AND next appointment we find out what sex it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant wait, although my motherly intuition tells me its a boy..which means i will dress him in this:
all the time with little fake glasses and make him listen to this:
I was DYING when i saw that, its TOTALLY ME!
yesterday me and Sol were watching a show about a women who had sextoplets *not Jon and Kate..which i LOOVE btw* but they showed a pic of her with her huge belly and she had no stretch marks! i was totally yelling at the tv, honestly how is that possible?!?! Sol then explained to me that his brother Josh told him the other day *im sure one of the days i was crying on the phone to him about my sudden weight gain* that all women go through pregnancy differently, some get stretch marks and some dont and some gain no weight and others turn into “baby making machines” *as we like to call it* and of course i know thats true, we are not all the same but for some reason when he told me that i felt better..like a weight had been lifted..i think it was the fact that two grown men were talking about it and actually understand. Its not like i sit down every day with a big bag of Lays and go to town till im licking the bottom of the bag..ive always yo-yoed with my weight, losing and gaining was never a real problem for me but now that i cant skip a meal its finally catching up to me *ok, hopefully this will be the last post about my weight..or a while....but probably not*
*i just wrote this on my bme page, but i realize alot of you dont have that and i think you appreciate this..please feel free to comment below, theres no need to go back to myspace and comment there*
2009/06/17 15:53 i am fucking fuming right now! and have been for the past hour, i am in awe of people..what the fuck happened to common curtesy?!?! i understand we have to share this planet with other humans we dont agree or even like but thats just it WE ARE ALL HUMANS! living breathing loving feeling people…
Sol gave me his credit card today so i can sew, something ive found that as of lately is the only thing that truely makes me happy..something that i can just fall into and be in my own happy little world for a few hours and come out of and actually be proud of what i did BUT the downside of sewing is going to theFABRIC STORE which in utah is a haven for the mormon soccer moms which is the worst of the worst where they so ignorantly and happily hide behind each others rudeness and arrogance…ive been there 3 times this week and never once got a greeting..or even a smile..nothing more then a stare or grimace by every women and worker therre..where this little store with the 2 feet wide isle is where i have to *god forbid!* breath the same air as these holier then thou women *and calling them women is a complement mind you* and there i was minding my own business every once and while looking up and smiling at a passer by..cuz i am kind!..and i honestly dont want to be that person that they’ve already labeled me *me, a girl in a yellow dress hair pulled to the side and flip flops..i honestly dont understand whats so scary..!?!?* but about 20 min into my visit to hell this COW comes trotting down the same isle i am, cart in front of her with what i can only assume is full of fabric for yet another child she has at home that she squirted out 5 years ago but proudly holds on to that 60 pounds she gained..well this cunt rag weasels her way where i was obviously looking and corners me in a corner…where i was forced to look over her cart, im obviously pregnant and was literally HOVERING over it! this lady doesnt even look up! doesnt care how rude she is being! at that point i left..but not before i was face to face with a worker coming towards me down a different isle i was using for my escape, i step to the side and stop so she can go by..of course this women doesnt give me an excuse me, sorry, or a simple THANK YOU!
Im honestly not a bitter person,i pride myself im being friendly to anyone and will stand and talk to anyone who is brave enough to actually ask me a question about my ears and not just drop jaw stare at me. what happened to manners?!?! i dont remember the last time i got an “excuse me” in any store…and im pretty sure everyone on this website can relate! i mean honestly, what happened to them?! i ask myself that ATLEAST once a day, its so sad..and this is the root of why im scared to bring a child in this world..HATE
its such a relief, i guess its was my short term goal. The weight gain lack of friends and social activity is suddenly all well worth it, nothing really matters right now except my little family in the making. Now im afraid to do anything like drive in the rain or even go dancing, my mind is going wild with crazy scenarios… i guess thats normal but i wish i could just go on with life like normal…but i doubt that will ever happen again.
its 7 am and ive been up since 4..the dogs pooped, the roommates are loud downstairs and im starving BUT surprisingly chipper!
its soo up and down these days but i can tell im getting better, ive been crying alot less and laughing alot more. The shitty weather is def not helping though i think i need those UV’s to help my attitude but for what im working with i think im doing pretty ok. Me and Sol have been staying in alot lately…im so content with the life i have with him, hes so good to me..so gentle and caring ive honestly never met anyone like him. Im so blessed to have him in my life <33
Last night i actually went out! it was my friend Shauntays birthday, who i love so much and she has been amazing the past couple months..one of the very few i can count on and lean on whenever i need. She is just a good friend so i decided id make her birthday present..so i sewed her this dress!:
i think i finally found my nitch, something i can actually sew and sell. im sooo excited to get on this!
Yesterday i swore i felt something while we were at movies but today for sure i did and Sol even felt it which reasured me. Right now i couldnt be happier….
